When I got home from work last night my Ukranian housekeeper Olga was waiting for me,
I was pleasantly surprised, she normally leaves before I get back.
She's a cracking looking bird, tall, slim, blonde, big knockers, pert bum.. the works. Walking viagra.
Aye Aye! Whats up here then.. thinks I.
Well, she stood there in the hall, all big eyes and heaving bosoms.
Thats why I hired her in the first place. You don't want a scrubber doing your scrubbing do you?
So there I was, gazing at this vision of loveliness, as she looked me up and down.
She came up to me ... right up to me.
Close as a crab on a pubic hair.
I could smell her musky loveliness.
A bit like Chanel.
The English Channel.
I was so excited I could have hung a towel off it!
Then ever so slowly she whispered in my ear
"Mr Paul, would you like to take my dress off?
"Too right" says I
Then she says
"would you like to take my bra off?"
She bent down to pick it up and her cleavage was fantastic. Pert, plump, like to bald men dancing cheek to cheek.
Anyhow, she comes close.
Really close and looks at me with those big blue eyes.
Well I can tell you I was ready. Soldiers on parade and all that.
Then she rubs my hips and gently scratches my back and whispers
"would you like to take my kickers off?"
Well, what do you think?
Quick as a flash the drawers are on the floor and all is revealed.
But women being women, cantankerous lot, she turns on her heels, picks up the clothes and storms out of the flat!
The last thing she said to me.. bloody cheek.. was
"AND DON"T LET ME CATCH YOU WEARING THEM AGAIN!"
The American Empire is crumbling. Europe will rise again.
Let me say that again. The American Empire is crumbling.
Before you think I have lost my mind let me re-assure you that I am not going to start into a long rant about the despots and the injustice of American hegemony. Why would I?
Mostly the American influence on the world has been benign. In fact I would say that it has been a positive boon for and we must never forget that fact, but the stark reality is that like all good things it must come to an end and we are watching the demise of the empire that never thinks.
The basic facts are these:
Empires are built on a combination of fear and greed
Each goes through a stage of expansion, consolidation, over reach and collapse
The ability to engage and manage an empire depends ultimately on the aquiescence of the subject peoples.
There will be mistakes made in every empire that are genocidal in nature but ultimately of little consequence to the stability and longevity of the regime.
Changes in leadership can distort and and destroy the outer fringes much more rapidly than they can the centre.
The end of Empire is not usually swift and calamitous for the centre but it can cause huge destruction and disruption for the periphery.
All right so now that is laid out let me explain why I say what I say.
I can tell you how if you like, but the reason why is so complex that historians will debate about if for ten thousand years. I can tell you with certainty that not one of us has a clue about what makes empires ebb and flow. At least not in our lifetimes. We are too close and it is too complex but we can see how they fold in and consume themselves.
It is simple really. America has lost the faith of its closest allies and must resort to bullying and coersion to achieve its ends.
The most common, and dangerous chatter is about how America is root of all evil. Almost everyone outside the states loves to watch as the Pentagon and White House wriggle and squirm as they try to extract some degree of good PR from each and every change on the international landscape. Even Britain, stalwart ally of the USA since the day she allowed them independence by protecting their shipping in the times of slavery, has a majority that loves to smirk as America confidence is picked apart by a paranoid administration.
I know there is a media fixation with conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan, Iran and N Korea but they are really small elements in the mix. The major sore that has never, and will never, be tackled is Israel. Until they acknowledge the fact that using Israel as a permanent battle cruiser in heart of Muslim Arabia is a flawed policy the American Empire can never achieve a period of equilibrium.
But let's be honest here, there has never been a nation that engaged in any altruistic endeavours, once again with the exception of the British Empire in the late 1800's.
Take aside the rights and wrongs of the Israeli issue, of which there are many, and consider this:
Any occupation - no matter if it is justified in ancient texts or otherwise - will cause resentment from the indigenous populous. Add to that the ancient tribal mindset and the very modern obsession with oil and you have a permanently smouldering powder keg that will never be extingushed. If you then add in an implacable religious opposition and the continued support of despotic regimes like the Al Sauds and you have managed to create a permanent enemy who need never have been.
That is simply bad management. A real empire would never do that. It is elementary and foolish in the extreme. But then America has been deluding itself for a long time and claims to have no Imperial ambitions. What horseshit. Of course they have! If they didn't why would the be worried? No empire means no enemies and no enemies means no worries. Don't believe me? Ask the Swiss.
The American Empire a Jungian dream (pun intended). A entire nation exhibit classic symptoms of denial.
American citizens would be horrified if they thought that they were Imperial storm troopers but then they are horrified if someone points out that their beloved TV evangelists as charlatans and crooks. You see the problem is that American citizens are from all parts of the world and none. They are refugees - the poor the tired, the huddles masses and as a result they feel no allegiance or necessity to engage with anyone outside of their own homes. They have fled from the rest of us and who can blame them when they ignore us?
In standard American process, the need for foreign interaction is purely to benefit the dim witted citizens of America and the political elites on the coast. You simply do not see the USA engaged in altrusim. Nor should you. They are powerful, greedy and in command. That is what empire is about and yet America pretends otherwise. That is the way it has always been and pretending to be "the worlds policeman" is simply idiotic.
In previous Empires, successful and long lasting ones that is, there has always been a degree of engagement with the occupied countries by the regular citizens of the ruling power. Adopt the ways of the locals, adapt, go native and learn to manipulate the means for your own ends. If you impose a foreign ideology as well as a foreign burocrasy you are inviting disaster. Edmocrasy is not the answer and why for fucks sake anyone thinks it is is beyond me. You simply can't bring an entire culture to change overnight. Not even the Romans manged that.
On the other hand without engagement at some levels you will be certain of failure as well. Consider Russia and Belgium.
Both had overseas possessions which they lost in rapid order because they were too busy grandstanding to make any impression on the locals. Belgium fucked it up when Leopold massacred half of Africa and Russia is still trying to escape from a criminal take over in the mid 1990's. Neither will be remembered fondly and neither will gain in the long term from their policies in the past and I am afraid that the USA is similarly handicapped.
Imposing "democrasy" on foreign lands in order to obtain oil is disingenuous and pointless. Calling your enemies "rogue states" is ascenine to the point of idiocy and pretending that you can have it all and take no responsibility is called being a child, not a president.
This is why I say the dollar is over as the international currency.
It happened to the pound and it will surely happen again in the next few years.
America can't pay its bills. It can't maintain its military expenditure and wanton lifestyle. It has run out of friends as surely as it is running out of oil and the power balance is shifting in seismic jolts towards the east.
By contrast the Eastern power - Japan - has no inclination to join the world in any meaningful way and as such is neutered. China is corrupt, unbalanced and has little interest in taking responsibility for world markets yet. India is simply too poor so that leaves on place to put your money. One stable and reliable, multi-national, fundamentally politically neutral currency with ample resources and expertise to surplant the Fed.
That leaves the Euro.
When oil hits $200 a barrel and the interest rates in the US are almost zero and most of all when there is no confidence in the dollar because another plane hits another tower somewhere you will see the Euro smash its way through the barricades and the era of American dominance will be over.
Have a nice day, y'all.
A new day has dawned and finally the storm has passed by. There are patches of blue sky where once there were clouds.
Standing in the middle of the green sward the batsman is resilient. On his breast are three lions and in his mind there is only one target, the sumptuous tangible achievement of a maiden double century. It is a moment of divine anticipation where the crowd watches, breathless and the bowler and fielders survey the field of battle with contempt and resignation. It must inevitably be the moment when the batsman achieves his reward and he is rewarded with rapturous applause. 200 not out at the home of the game, Lords. Where the stands are filled by striped and aged tigers, all prowling the corridors and long rooms with rapt attention. Inscription of the name "Bell" on the board of champions beckons. It is a moment of such tangible sweetness that only the acrid sweat of the bowler adds any tartness to the proceedings.
It is not to be.
The bowler runs in. Perspiration drips from his nose and you can see his eyes stinging from the salt. Then the gutteral grunt as the ball leaves his hand, seam spinning in timeless orbit. The batsmans face creases as he follow the trajectory, his bat raised high comes to meet the sphere and with the movement comes nerves. A minute, infinitesimally small loss of concentration as the vision of eternal greatness shimmers on the surface of the pitch before it is gone. So fast that even the batter does not realise what his fervent wish has conjoured.
The wrist turn upwards and his sublime timing is awry, the shot becomes a tepid waft along the line of the ball and as slowly as the dream was constructed a deft right hand reaches out and catches it, mid-flight. The collective sob from the expectant observers will never be heard. Not one had anticipated this and not one was concious that the sound they made is that of a moment of joy being snuffed out. The crowd made the sound that accompanies death.
In the seconds after the only noise is that of the bowler. Even his delight at his accomplishment is muted, for who can truly deny that a miracle is something to be denigrated. In victory there is sorrow.
The batsman is caught and bowled for 199.
That will be the memory now for many. The memory of almost making it. Of almost being a legend. Of being one of the greatest.
But with hindsight was it really like that? Perhaps the number is 1 shy of immortality. Perhaps 199 is not enough to warrant inscription on the board and the adulation of generations of cricket players. Perhaps 199 will not be remembered by many in the long years afterwards. But in its own way perhaps 199 is a greater achievement than anything else. It is a unique score. Breathtaking and resolute. It is only because we measure in tens that 200 has any significance.
Will we look back and see it as failure or will we look back and see it for what it was. Astounding.
Perhaps it is time we looked at our own measure. Perhaps we should stop wondering about the run that never was and consider the 199 that was recorded.
Perhaps there is a lesson there for us as our worlds are caught and bowled at 199 and we wonder "what if". As banks collapse and governments fall, our children demonised and shallowness is rewarded. As idiocy and illiteracy is smiled up and intellectual achievement is denigrated and all the rules we thought were intractible are remade we wonder "what if" when wwe should be wondering about what is and what will be.
Perhaps we should take the applause and retire to the dressing rooms to consider what we will do the next time we are able to bat in front of a full house. We should use this time, whilst the storms rage overhead to consider what we will do when the rains have passed.
There are lessons in sport that we rarely examine. There are qualities in ourselves that we rarely acknowledge.
Perhaps it is time we did.
As you may have guessed I have a lot to say about what is happening to all of us thanks to the idiots who run America these days. From Wall St to Main St it seems that dumbing down has its results and the more we watch Fox the less we understand.
Anyway, as a gentle re-emergence from the purdah I have recently put myself in I thought I would give you a few lessons from financial history with the hope that you will be able to determine what the fuck is happening out there.
The first lesson however is from the most backward county I have ever visited - Papua New Guinea. The title is pidgin for "Food for though". Think on my friends.
Analysis
By Steve Schifferes
Economics reporter, BBC News
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The current market jitters are centred on disturbances in the world's credit markets. Worries about the viability of sub-prime mortgage lending have spread around the financial system, and the central banks have been forced to pump in billions of dollars to oil the wheels of lending.
But what happened in previous financial crises, and what are the lessons for today?
There have been a growing number of financial crises in the world, according to the International Monetary Fund (IMF).
Among the key lessons of previous major financial crises are:
- Globalisation has increased the frequency and spread of financial crises, but not necessarily their severity
- Early intervention by central banks is more effective in limiting their spread than later moves
- It is difficult to tell at the time whether a financial crisis will have broader economic consequences
- Regulators often cannot keep up with the pace of financial innovation that may trigger a crisis.
During the late 1990s, stock markets became beguiled by the rise of internet companies such as Amazon and AOL, which seemed to be ushering in a new era for the economy.
When AOL's Steve Case took over Time Warner, the dot.com boom peaked
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Their shares soared when they listed on the Nasdaq stock market, despite that fact that few of the firms actually made a profit.
The boom peaked when internet service provider AOL bought traditional media company Time Warner for nearly $200bn in January 2000.
But in March 2000, the bubble burst, and the technology-weighted Nasdaq index fell by 78% by October 2002.
The crash had wider repercussions, with business investment falling and the US economy slowing in the following year, a process exacerbated by the 9/11 attacks, which led to the temporary closure of the financial markets.
But the Federal Reserve, the US central bank, cut interest rates throughout 2001, gradually lowering rates from 6.25% to 1% to stimulate economic growth.
The collapse of hedge fund Long-Term Capital Market (LTCM) occurred during the final stage of the world financial crisis that began in Asia in 1997 and spread to Russia and Brazil in 1998.
LTCM was a hedge fund set up by Nobel Prize winners Myron Scholes and Robert Merton to trade bonds. The professors believed that in the long run, the interest rates on different government bonds would converge, and the hedge fund traded on the small differences in the rates.
John Meriwether, a Wall Street trader, headed LTCM
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LTCM, which had borrowed a lot of money from other companies, stood to lose billions of dollars - and in order to liquidate its positions it would have to sell Treasury bonds, plunging the US credit markets into turmoil and forcing up interest rates.
So the Fed decided that a rescue was needed. It called together the leading US banks, many of whom had invested in LTCM, and persuaded them to put in $3.65bn to save the firm from imminent collapse.
The Fed itself made an emergency rate cut in October 1998 and markets soon returned to stability. LTCM itself was liquidated in 2000.
US stock markets suffered their largest peacetime one-day fall yet on 19 October 1987, when the Dow Jones Industrial Average index of shares in leading US companies dropped 22% and European and Japanese markets followed suit.
Program trading on the New York stock market worsened the crisis
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There were also worries about the value of the US dollar, which had been declining on international markets.
These fears grew when Germany raised a key interest rate, boosting the value of its currency.
Newly-introduced computerised trading systems exacerbated the stock market declines, as sell orders were executed automatically.
Concerns that major banks might go bust led the Fed and other major central banks to lower interest rates sharply.
"Circuit-breakers" were also introduced to limit program trading and allow the authorities to suspend all trades for short periods.
The crash seemed to have little direct economic effect and stock markets soon recovered. But the lower interest rates, especially in the UK, may have contributed to the housing market bubble of 1988-89 and to the pressures on the pound sterling which led to the devaluation of 1992.
The crash also showed that global stock markets were now closely linked, and changes in economic policy in one country could affect markets around the world. Laws on insider trading were also tightened up in the US and UK.
US Savings and Loans institutions were local banks which made home loans and took deposits from retail investors, similar to building societies in the UK.
Under financial deregulation in the 1980s, they were allowed to engage in more complex, and often unwise, financial transactions, competing with the big commercial banks.
By 1985, many of these institutions were all but bankrupt, and a run began on S&L institutions in Ohio and Maryland.
The US government insured many of the individual deposits in the S&Ls, and therefore had a big financial liability when they collapsed.
It set up the Resolution Trust Company to take over and sell any S&L assets that it could, including repossessed homes, taking over the bankrupt institutions.
The cost of the bail-out eventually totalled about $150bn.
However, the crisis probably strengthened the bigger banks by weeding out their weaker rivals, and laid the groundwork for the wave of mergers and consolidations in the retail banking sector in the 1990s.
The Wall Street crash of 1929, "Black Thursday," was an event that sent the US and indeed the global economy into a tailspin, contributing to the Great Depression of the 1930s.
Franklin Roosevelt became US President after the crash
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Despite efforts by the stock market authorities to stabilise the market, stocks fell by another 11% the following Tuesday, 29 October.
By the time the market had reached bottom in 1932, 90% had been wiped off the value of shares. It took 25 years before the Dow Jones industrial average recovered to its 1929 level.
The effect on the real economy was severe, as widespread share ownership meant that the losses were felt by many middle-class consumers.
They cut their purchases of big consumer goods such as cars and homes, while businesses postponed investment and closed factories.
By 1932, the US economy had declined by half, and one-third of the workforce was unemployed.
The whole US financial system also went into meltdown, with a shutdown of the entire banking system in March 1933 by the time the new President, Franklin Roosevelt took office and launched the New Deal.
Many economists on both left and right have criticised the response of the authorities as inadequate.
The US central bank actually raised interest rates to protect the value of the dollar and preserve the gold standard, while the US government raised tariffs and ran a budget surplus.
New Deal measures alleviated some of the worst problems of the Depression, but the US economy did not fully recover until World War II, when massive military spending eliminated unemployment and boosted growth.
The New Deal also introduced extensive regulation of financial markets and the banking system through the creation of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC), and the separation of commercial and retail banking through the Glass-Steagall Act.
The failure of a key London bank in 1866 led to a key change in the role of central banks in managing financial crises.
The Bank of England was at the centre of the world financial system
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Overend and Gurney was a discount bank which provided money for commercial and retail banks in London, the world's financial centre. When it declared bankruptcy in May 1866, many smaller banks were unable to get funds and went under, even though they were otherwise solvent.
As a result, reformers like Walter Bagehot advocated a new role for the Bank of England as the "lender of last resort" to provide liquidity (cash) to the financial system during crises, in order to prevent a failure of one bank spilling over and affect all the others ("systemic failure").
The new doctrine was implemented in the Barings Crisis in 1890, when losses by a leading UK bank, Barings, made on its investments in Argentina, were covered by the Bank of England to prevent a systemic collapse of UK banking.
Secret negotiations by the Bank and London financiers led to the creation of an £18m rescue fund in November 1890, before the extent of Barings' losses became publicly known.
The bankers also organised a committee to renegotiate the outstanding debts owed by Argentina, but a banking crisis engulfed the country and foreign lending to Argentina dried up for a decade.Jesus,
what a few weeks it has been.
I am getting really bored with writing about the various disasters that have befallen me recently. In fact, I am a bit scared that I am boring you lot as well but I guess that's the deal with friendships; good or bad you have to take it all in your stride.
At least I am not continually bleating on about politics, bands or sex like some I could mention. Mostly because the politics is pointless until we get a new world, bands are off my radar for now because they have driven me to insanity and sex is just a visceral memory that haunts me occasionally. (That's what children do for you!).
There are a few things that I think I should let you in on that have happened to me recently. I'll let you in on them because ... well, no reason really but unless I do this will be the dullest post since some crazy wrote a blog in binary.
First of all another 2 distant relatives have crashed and burned. Both male, heavy smokers and drinkers, both stubborn and both arrogant, both successful. Both a bit like me - even if I didn't really like them much. It seems to me like my genes have a built in life span and that no matter what I do age 70 is about as long as I will be around. That's not bad.
With the pre-ordained date of demise set by the genetic code and my insistence on maintaining some kind of control over my own destiny I have therefore resolved to drink enormous amounts of neat ethanol, take up extreme sports. invest in a tobacco farm and set myself alight every week on Friday nights to see if my predictions are correct. Watch this space!
Mind you, it is all well and good doing oneself to death but there are the real catastrophes of life to deal with that you can never have any say in. Of course there are events like the chinese earthquake and the Burmese cyclone but they are so massive that it is hard to connect to them, and lets me honest, unless you are personally exposed why would you get too involved? It is beyond comprehension. It is the reason we invented governments. It is so big it is impersonal to outsiders. The things that really make an impact are the minor and personal. Apparently trivial to the media but of enormous import to anyone involved.
My disaster is just as stunning to me as the images on my TV. More so. I am not going to apologise for it. It is human nature and it is how I am.
My youngest daughter (age 3) was clipped by a car last week. The mirror smacked her plumb in the centre of her forehead and it is only through luck that she wasn't killed. The fucking idiot that hit her was a female aged about 50 who had come straight across a roundabout and then went through a red light on a pedestrian crossing directly opposite my house. I head the thump. Mrs B was with her - they had been buying ice creams - and she was holding her hand and manged to pull her out of the way. The driver was going about 35mph. Of course the mirror smashed and Scarlett was thrown off her feet but Mrs B had the smarts to put the ice cream on my daughters head where the car had hit and by the time I got there she was already in control. I called the cops and flagged down a passing patrol car that was luckily around. They were fan, fucking tastic. PRAISE TO THE OLD BILL!
So after much sweating and wobbly knees the ambulance arrived and checked her out and believe it or not she was ok. Not even a bruise. Kids are amazing! They let us take her home and she wanted to know where her ice block was! I went to get another one and watched as the driver was booked and breathalised. Seems she had no insurance and no idea that there was a red light. Witnesses say otherwise! Looks like she will lose her licence. No bad thing.
Once the baby had scoffed her ice cream off she went into the garden to play and me and the Mrs looked at each other like we had been shot. Mrs B went as white as a sheet and I just wobbled and then started crying. Weird feeling that. I wasn't upset. In fact I was in a good mood because there was no real damage but somehow it all came out in a few minutes of blubbing. Since then we have all been fine. A touch of whip lash for the babe and serious road crossing activity has been restricted but otherwise everything is normal.
Strange.
That old fucker death is just playing with me at the moment. But you know what?
He can get stuffed.
Life is for living!
Dearly beloved,
it has been a while since I last posted anything.
I have been avoiding the tyrany of daily blogs deliberately. Nobody missed me. (sob). I guess my posts are just another titbit in cyber world: like the T shirt - "No one read my blog either". True but slightly wounding.
The reasons I have been off piste are manifold. Mostly I wanted to avoid blithering on about the useless minutiae of my life but there are other reasons as well.
I needed to rest my aching arms to try and escape the RSI. I am getting married in August and all that needs planning. The weather is good and the garden needs working on. The sailing season has started again and the football season is over. Cricket is back on the agenda. I have been to see a lot of bands again. And sadly another good friend of mine died - this time from cancer. All in all that is enough to make anyone stop blogging for a while. (I could have said I was busy but that's the minutiae that you needed to know so that I didn't come over as an arrogant berk!)
In 2008 three men I knew and loved have passed away in such quick succession and the with the imminent nuptuals (after 13 years of living together) I have been forced to take stock of the entire Baria battlegrounds. I needed to check the ranks who had fallen and who remained and more than that I need to take some time to figure out who I am.
"After 40 years, I've become my fears, I've become the kind of man I've always hated!"
James
The jury is still out. No verdict is expected soon.
I really have been going through a big clear out of the detritus in my life. As it transpires there isn't much.
Of course there were the inevitable boxes filled with receipts and paperwork. They are almost all in a landfill somewhere now. Then there are the records of my existence; tiny pictures from photo booths and scrawled drawings and sketches from my youth. There is the swimming certificate from 1975 recording my achievement in 25 yards of breast stroke. (If only I could stroke that many breasts these days!)
I have unearthed half written and totally forgotten screen plays and yellowing and tattered copies of articles I have had published. Yesterdays chip paper. There are pictures of wars that I visited like a ghoulish tourist in my days as a photojournalist and there are scores of unseen negatives from football matches in decaying or demolished grounds. But all these amount to very little. You could cage my existence from that period in a small filing cabinet. And yet, they are still the days that formed me and they still have a resonance in my mind.
Today's creations are more substantial and longer lasting and yet they aren't the things that made me. They are the things that I have made.
They are my children, the homes I have built and the people that I love and they cannot be locked away in a dark basement and ignored. They are the living, breathing expression of all that I am and all that I may become. I have transformed and I never knew it was happening. No wonder I feel so disconnected at times. I am in so many places but I am never there.
If you really take stock and wipe away the grime and dust of your lifetime from the clouded corneas in your eyes sometimes what you find surprises you.
I have also discovered that I am still afraid. I have tested myself for my entire adult life and I have exposed myself to all kinds of dangers from wars to penury and beyond. And yet despite my survival and continued material successes I still find myself cowering in the face of the unknown future. Unlike my kids who are ready and willing to try anything.
That is why we have children. That is what the selfish or single can never grasp. That is part of the miracle.
Bizarrely enough that fear is what makes me whole and it is what drives me on. Without it I am a husk of a man. Finding out this kernel of truth about myself I have begun to recognise it in others.
Some, are more afraid than I am and as a result they have achieved greatness, fame or notoriety. They are the ones we consider successful.
Others are so afraid they are skeletal figures hovering on the periphery of existence, they automate their lives to such a degree that the only variable is the occasional illness. Even their bowel movements are regular and orderly. They are the ordinary. Dull beyond measure. A waste of protoplasm.
Then there are the last and most remarkable group that I can discern at present. They are the extra-ordinary. They are the people who can continue the routine without fear. They can raise hell if need be and exercise restraint when they have to. They have reserves of unbounded resilience when required and they are compassionate but not weak. They are the ones who will never fail you, desert you or quit. They are not rare or blessed by a deity. They are not saints. They are not mythical or fabled.
They are you.
IF you want them to be.
Texan tries to cash $360bn cheque
The 10 zeros proved to be a stumbling block
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A man in the US state of Texas has been arrested for allegedly trying to cash a cheque for $360bn (£182bn).
Charles Ray Fuller had said he wanted to start a record business, authorities in the state said.
The 21-year-old's attempt to cash the money in a bank in Fort Worth failed when staff spotted the 10 zeros on the personal cheque.
Mr Fuller was arrested on a charge of forgery and was released on bail of $3,750 (£1,900).
$1m scams
The man from North Texas said he had been given the cheque by his girlfriend's mother.
The bank said it had contacted the account owner and had been told she had not given Mr Fuller permission to either take or cash the cheque.
Fort Worth police said Mr Fuller also faced charges of unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing cannabis.
Officers said a small amount of cannabis and a .25-calibre pistol were found in his pocket.
In October last year a man in the city of Pittsburgh was arrested after he handed over a counterfeit $1m bill to a cashier at a supermarket and asked for change.
Three years earlier a woman was arrested after trying to use a fake $1m bill at a supermarket in Georgia.
Which popular slang expression drives you nuts?
24-7
how lazy is that!
Oh and the way you should say a year is Two Thousand AND eight, not two thousand eight. That has been adopted by lazy journalists and wannabe Americans. It is simply wrong.
Finally, a man is found in hospital with a steering wheel in his trousers.
DOCTOR "What is that doing there?
MAN "Dunno, but it is driving me nuts"
Is it just my perception or do the women of this world have a serious self-image problem?
What is going on out there that makes women fall for the increasingly spurious and pseudo-scientific adverts that the multi-national cosmetics companies put out?
It has been at the back of my mind for a long time now but last night I went out and ended up in a nightclub surrounded by well dressed and fancy looking chicks who had all plastered themselves with makeup in attempt to disguise the minor flaws and imperfections that they probably saw as huge obstacles in their lives.
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against make up or women looking as sexy as hell. In fact I am all for it but it does concern me that the female members of our species seem to be so obsessed with their appearance that they occasionally appear to have taken leave of their senses.
Before we went out last night my 3 year old daughter had spent at least 30 minutes plastering herself with powders and eye shadows. She had hidden herself away in the bedroom where I had thought she was playing with her toys. When she emerged she looked like one of those freakish children in American talent shows. You know the thing - Britney meets Debbie just before she does Dallas. I have to say it set me on edge a bit but I know she is only a child so she will never see things the way I do. There was no point in making a fuss about it. So I didn't. But it is symptomatic of how early this fixation can begin.
Later on, in the pub, I saw a very very very fat woman snogging the face off a very thin bloke. This was not, as Shakespeare would have said, "a consummation devoutly to be wished". In fact the discussion for a few minutes at our table concentrated on how big the chaps John Thomas must have been to allow them to conclude their obviously imminent activities. Flagrantly on display in the centre of a busy pub on a Saturday night, the obese womans four buttocks were hanging out of her jeans and despite the fact that she had almost every flaw that you would consider a hinderance in the mating game she seemed to be holding her own. Soon after she left the pub I would stake money that she was holding something else as well! Obviously that woman had something the bloke liked and it had nothing at all to do with our stereotypical assumptions of beauty.
When I see adverts for some product or other that claims to prevent aging by puffing up your skin to hide wrinkles I am reminded that fat people have wrinkles too and their skin is puffed up enough for anyone. I have to tell you girls. It is rubbish and it won't work. Take a look at this:
The woman in the pictures is Lesley Ash, a well known British Actress. She was a stunner. A total babe who had no need of any enhancements as far as I can tell and yet she fell in to the vanity trap and after a dose of botox or collagen that went wrong she turned into the face of bloated excess you see before you.
What a shame. I bet her husband is spewing. Years ago I actually knew her hubbie and whilst I think he is a decent bloke I wouldn't want to annoy him. (Again. I did once and it wasn't pleasant. He is a 6ft plus ex-soccer player and I bet he has a right hook that would make you think twice about crossing him.)
But enough about the disasters that women make in public, what about the private mistakes? What about the women who waste all that money on potions and lotions that will do nothing to prevent the ravages of time? What about all the mumbo-jumbo garbage about Xylitol XP or Wangachagawongabonga PCt with added DDT or whatever it is they purport to put in these things. For my money - and I spend a lot of it indulging she who must be obeyed by buying her buckets full of Lady Clarins hogwash for hair - it is all a crock of shit.
I know you have probably heard this before but the only thing that will fix your fat arse or your sagging gut is exercise and the only way you will prevent wrinkles is by the judicious application of plaster.
You would be much better advised buying yourself some moisturiser and a set of really raunchy knickers. That way you will feel fresh and you old man will be so delighted with his new found sex kitten that he will never notice the bobbles and wobbles on your bum. You will feel better too. Imagine all those endorphins running wild - they will fix the wrinkles faster than any hatchet faced celebrity endorsement will.
So here is a man's advice for women who are feeling vulnerable / wrinkled / fat / old / useless or unlovely.
DON'T!
Men will not notice the minor imperfections.
They WILL notice the chemistry between you.
Men will ignore almost anything about you that you consider unsightly if they think they are about to get a good seeing to.
The most attractive thing about a woman - any woman - is the fact that she finds someone (you) attractive.
It is as simple as that.
That time has come for me.
As you know since my old mate died I have been a bit quiet and I have tried to get back to basics. Family, food, gardening, womens' thighs (thanks Patricia for the reminder) that kind of thing. Basics.
But even as the days get longer and the nights shorter I have begun to find myself feeling better about life again. Even as the chaos in the wonderful world of business has threatened to sink us all I have begun to feel more positive about it all.
Maybe it is the end of this winters episode of SAD. Maybe it is the bright colours of the newly sprung tulips. Maybe it is the realisation that I can't change anything and that I will never be the new Cary Grant, Joe Pesci or Johnny Depp, whatever it is I do feel like the weight of the world is lifting.
John - my dead chum - was an Aston Martin freak. He loved them and the first thing he did when he could afford oe was to buy an old vintage Aston and restore it.
Me, I like boats and I have 2 of the damn things. I know that's totally excessive and mad but the tiny little one will get me whizzing about to the ports near where I live and is damn good fun with the kids on a summers day. The other is a big, lumbering bugger that I am going to sail to France this year and maybe beyond. (PS boats are nowhere near as expensive as you think they are if you buy the right one). Time is the limitation not my ambition or the capabilities of the boat. But sailing is a slow and solitary process that needs to be planned for In my state of mind I need something else. A vigourous stimulous for the senses - a reminder that I am alive - a stupid mid-life excess.
So what are the choices?
I could be like Max Mosely and indulge in a little sado-masochistic roll play with 5 hookers and an SS uniform.
I could join a rock n roll band but I do that everyday and it isn't the same any more.
I could reverse rolls and become an accountant.
I could declare myself gay.
I could find myself a mistress and engage a decent divorce lawyer or
I could do what I have done and ordered myself a stupidly expensive phallic substitute of a car and pretend to be any and all of the above.
So I have.
It is a new Jaguar XF in metallic green ( British Racing Green). It was designed by the Aston Martin designer and it is now produced by an Indian owned company so in one fell swoop I have completed the journey to middle age, paid tribute to my mate and acknowledged my heritage as an anglo-indian. Not bad for a days work.
It arrives in late July and for now it has me smiling.
I'll let you know how I feel one wet evening on the M3 when the battery packs in.
My advice.
Do it now.
later is too late. (And don't lecture me about the climate. We are expecting snow this weekend and La Nina is in full swing. It will be a cold summer but at least I can warm the cockles in the cabin of my luxurious new toy.)
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